That Place of Peace

Time again for family and Christmas music ringing out and making the heart smile with warmth....but also at this time of the month comes the dreaded EXAMS O_o

That word strikes terror into the heart of every college student. With exams comes stress, frustration, but eventually, triumph.

I am coming up to my last week at RBC this year and am more than happy to put it behind me. Today was my last week of classes and Monday starts my week of exams. The thought of the studying to come sends my heart plummeting towards the floor, though the thought of what is to come (a time to breath and re-energize) is a blessing.

I have made it through this semester with minimum emotional breakdowns and lots of joyful days. Not having Andrew there or knowing I could not call him about my day has been a challenge, but other then feeling a bit lonely, I think I have mastered it well. Tony has been by my side every second and has given me the strength I need to go on and the courage I need to face the future. Josh V. has kept in touch and often brings me back when I start to feel down. I have rekindled an old friendship in my dear and most lovely friend, Erin. She has been that women with whom I can confide and we have made it though many trials together over these past few months. Rachel and the siblings have been steadfast as always and I have become very close to my little brother (who is no longer so little anymore at almost 17!) which has been nothing less than a joy. Bea, Tiffany, Lauren, Kaitlyn, and may others have also become involved in my life over the last few months. And though my social life has been almost non-existent, the people supporting me have been constant and greatly appreciated.

Over the last few months my relationship with my parents has improved and they have even been nice to dear Tony, though they are not yet ready to let him into their lives.

This year is coming to an end with a bitter-sweet feel as I have been through many painful events in the last 12 months...but through it all, my friends and family have stuck by me. Though I no longer have the relationship that I had once depended on for security, I have found more then I could have imagined in the people still in my life.
This support has been nothing short than sent from God.

So as exams are only days away and life seems to be coming at me faster than I can handle, I am at peace. It's like the ocean is raging and waves make it hard to see, but if you dive under you are surrounded by a incomparable calm. Suddenly all the coziness above you is gone and you can once again relax and refocus as below the billowing storm, you can see clearly once again. This is the best way I can describe it. Even though things are rough right now, if I find that mental place of calm, I am always reminded in my heart that everything will be okay. God is good, all the time <3

A New Chapter

Life has been turned upside down for me as of late, or maybe it's just been turned right side up...either way, things have changed.

Being Single for the first time in almost 2 years has posed some challenges as of late. Other then a ton of getting used to it has also presented the element of guys feeling free to make passes at me, something I can honestly say I have never really had much experience with. Right now I am still dealing with a ton of emotionally issues from the breakup(which happened about a month and a half ago).

I have been far less stressed, but also am having to force myself to not fall pray to the all popular "guy hopping" that so many females I know have been pulled into. For the first time in my life I understand what they were going through. A part of me feels as if it needs a guy to be whole, as if not having a man there and supporting me emotionally makes me less of a woman. Where in the last 2 years did I lose my wholeness? When did being me stop being enough? So as I am trying to regain my sense of self I am being bombarded by another problem...guys.

Before Andrew, I never had to many guys seem interested in me, oh sure they wanted to be friends, but never more. Well during those 2 years all of my close guy friends decided that they were gonna take their own shot at dating me and now I have become a target of sorts. I love them all very much, but I need to get back on my feet. One of them has been very persistent over the last month and is about to the point where I shall have to tell him to back off.

Though, through all of this one of my guy friends has been a constant; a person for me to lean on and just be me around(to bad my rents can't stand him). So I guess all of them have not been bad as he has been my rock(other then God who def comes first as far as that is concerned! :).

Anyhow, this jumble of thoughts makes up my life atm, God, family, school, friends, and relationships. they are all coming at me from dif angles, but I am not all that stressed about it(at least not like I very well could be). So another day goes by; another page is turned and maybe one of these days I will figure it all out...maybe.

Brokenness and Healing Hearts

Me - "so I have made two self observations: That I have a obsession with the concept of love and that I like really dark stuff(movies and such)..."
Rachel - "well that makes sense in a way that both of those can coexist with you without contradicting each other"
Me - "Really?"
Rachel - "yeah, because dark things are often a symbol of brokenness and all broken things that are worth fixing (at least in your mind) can be fixed by love. see? makes perfect sense"
Me - "Wow...that does make sense"

Just another Summer day

Ahhh Summer days ^_^ *sigh* it's been so nice to be able to just enjoy the freedom of being me these last few weeks. No papers to write, no teachers to please, and do deadlines to make. :]

My days have been filled with friends, fun, and sun! Today was a very good day as I got to spend some one on one time with the sisters this morning and friend time this afternoon. Mary, Krissy, and I were able to go for a nice relaxing walk through the woods with our horses, Maggie, Easter, and Anna this morning. Since my selling Dusty I have really not been to the barn at all other then for quick visits, so this time with the horses was like heaven for me. I was once again able to follow through with that oh so familiar routine or brushing, cleaning hooves and talking with these beautiful creatures. This also allowed me to talk and spend time with my sisters on their own ground. They have been pushing for me to spend more time with them a lot as of late(something I wish to do, but alas I am not sure how to fulfill anymore) so this was a great opportunity for all of us.

The afternoon was not so relaxing but very fun. I went to the Fort Lee pool with Rachel, Tony, John, and Josh J. I think I spent a good 4+ hours in the water without taking a break. It was wonderful. We all had a lot of good convo, laughter, and dunking each other until we were sputtering for breath. After this we all went to Luca's for a very yummy pizza :] it was a very fun afternoon.

At dinner tonight Josh made an interesting observation that I am far less mature when I am in the company of the rest of our group and that they were managing to bring me down to their maturity level. This is a point that I have been told before but still one of interest. I told him that I know this and we left it at that, but reality is that that is how I want it. I have self analyzed a lot on this topic and am very confidant that the reason I enjoy spending time with that group is that they give me the chance to be a kid again, to drop all the pressure of being "grown up" or "mature" and let me just let loose and relax once in while. It's an amazing thing, to be able to joke around and have fun with friends. I think it's one of those things that has a time and a place, so it can't be all the time, but when it's in it's right place, it's quite wonderful. So, here is a thought, "what is the 'proper' maturity level?", "can it be judged by age like that?" for is not maturity based upon social and cultural norms? Yes, as a Christian you should abide by Christ's commands, but what about all of the cultural things that people complain about? When I start V.B.S. next week we shall all act like kids again, every person working there from 18-68 acts far younger then is socially acceptable so is that the key? that only when working with kids a person can act young? I have no answer for this.

Anywho, that's a side trip, all in all, the day was a very good one and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with Andrew tomorrow(if he ever calls me) and for an exciting week of V.B.S. to come ^_^

A Very Good Day

*sigh*
Today was a good day...wait...make that a GREAT day! I can't find any crazy cool things to talk about, so I will just tell you about my day.

Got to sleep till 9am this morning. Mmm how I love sleep ^_^ So after this wonderful rest I went up to RBC(Richard Bland College) for my class(btw, I love this class!). Finding out I, once again, received an A on a test did nothing to dampen my mood! Class was good, I even stayed after to talk with the teacher about one of the concepts(something I never do). On from there I joined my awesome family at home for a few minutes to get ready to go swimming(one of my all time favorite pass times ^_^) and my brother, sisters, and I drove to Rachel's home to pick her up so that she could join us. I must say that driving a car filled with these wonderful people whom I am so very comfortable with is always a joy. When we turn up the music and all sing and laugh with each other it's the things that memories are made of. Once we arrived at our destination( also known as my Aunt's house) we all dived and splashed and laughed together for hours on end. Swinging in the hammock in the shade of the large trees surrounding the pool with Rachel while reading a good book and listening to the sounds of my little siblings playing was one of the most relaxing and happy times I have had as of late. Good times with good people. After getting every one dried off and some food/ice cream in them we all went home(and dropped off Rachel). I hurriedly showered(chlorine is sooooo hard to get out of thick, long, curly hair :/ ), changed and was once again out the door and on my way to Andrew's. Now for the best part, spending a lovely evening with the man I love. Not much can beat that. And after some stressful last few days between us, it was a much needed time together. But like all good times, they come to an end way to fast. So, home I went and spent some quality time with my family to finish out the evening as we watched "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" (a movie I think every one should watch just once so that they may laugh at it's utter absurdity!).

So, now I sit here, on my bed, telling you of these goings on. Today was a very good day and I thank you for taking the time to even bother reading all of my ramblings. Summer days have been good to me this year and I look forward to many more before this Summer is over. Have a good night and I shall BYL

Words of Love

So earlier today a guy friend of mine was talking to me about this girl he used to date and can't seem to move past. He wrote this poem/song about her and I thought I would share it(with his permission, of course).




"singing to a sound long since burned out,
deciphering what this love is all about.
Trying to imagine a star crossed induction,
living with the product of my ill fated seduction.
Dangling on the edge of this infernal madness,
my heart being filled with my simmering sadness.
My options limited by my own decisions,
its piercing my heart with surgical precision...
is my heart really on fire, is this just a foolish desire?
Is this what it seems, shall I follow my dreams?
Do I take this chance, do I offer to dance,
so I sit on the side, what I need is a guide,
I want some direction...To the girl named perfection...
I don't have a concrete explanation,
only you as my shining inspiration."

Is that not one of the prettiest things you ever heard? Gotta hand it to all you Romantic guys and girls out there, you guys are awesome. I must say that words like a love poem or such have never been my strong suit. I could type hours worth of my meaningless rambling, but words from the heart are hard for me to extract. Sure, I can push past some of that ultra thick padding that lines the connection between my words and my heart if I am really tired(this is a scary thing to hear! O_o), but to just give out what I am feeling is unnaturally hard for me. So if you have any tips on how to turn off my overactive emotion filter(other then sleeplessness) then please let me know. I think this ability would be a wonderful one to have, but as things stand it is not something I posses. So, I will continue in my calculating, but non risk taking sort of way.

Father's day

So it's once again the day in which we are to honor out family patriarch.I woke up this morning to late to see my father(as he had already left for Mount Pleasant Baptist) and he and the family went to lunch this afternoon (without me, of course) so I ended up not seeing him till well into the afternoon. Here in my home we don't really celebrate this "Holiday" of sorts. Yes, we may give mom or dad a card on mother's/father's day, but nothing big. Grandparents may have a cookout, but it's more of just an excuse to have a cook out, not a cook out for the day. So what makes this holiday so important to some and not others? I was on Facebook a little while ago and kept seeing people post things like "My dad is the best", "I am blessed to have such a great dad" or "Happy father's day to all you dad's out there!", but a post by a friend of mine caught my attention. It read, "Happy father's day to all the GOOD father's out there." This struck me(not literally)as I know she has probs with her babies father and this is who the barb was meant for. So what about all those who have absent fathers? Or Father's who really don't know how to be a dad? How does this day affect them? Me and my dad have had a lot of problems over the last few months, but I still love him like crazy. So what about some one who does not love the person that should fill this role in there life? So I am sending a ginormous *hug* out to any that fit this description. Well that's my thought of the day. Until next time, byl