That Place of Peace

Time again for family and Christmas music ringing out and making the heart smile with warmth....but also at this time of the month comes the dreaded EXAMS O_o

That word strikes terror into the heart of every college student. With exams comes stress, frustration, but eventually, triumph.

I am coming up to my last week at RBC this year and am more than happy to put it behind me. Today was my last week of classes and Monday starts my week of exams. The thought of the studying to come sends my heart plummeting towards the floor, though the thought of what is to come (a time to breath and re-energize) is a blessing.

I have made it through this semester with minimum emotional breakdowns and lots of joyful days. Not having Andrew there or knowing I could not call him about my day has been a challenge, but other then feeling a bit lonely, I think I have mastered it well. Tony has been by my side every second and has given me the strength I need to go on and the courage I need to face the future. Josh V. has kept in touch and often brings me back when I start to feel down. I have rekindled an old friendship in my dear and most lovely friend, Erin. She has been that women with whom I can confide and we have made it though many trials together over these past few months. Rachel and the siblings have been steadfast as always and I have become very close to my little brother (who is no longer so little anymore at almost 17!) which has been nothing less than a joy. Bea, Tiffany, Lauren, Kaitlyn, and may others have also become involved in my life over the last few months. And though my social life has been almost non-existent, the people supporting me have been constant and greatly appreciated.

Over the last few months my relationship with my parents has improved and they have even been nice to dear Tony, though they are not yet ready to let him into their lives.

This year is coming to an end with a bitter-sweet feel as I have been through many painful events in the last 12 months...but through it all, my friends and family have stuck by me. Though I no longer have the relationship that I had once depended on for security, I have found more then I could have imagined in the people still in my life.
This support has been nothing short than sent from God.

So as exams are only days away and life seems to be coming at me faster than I can handle, I am at peace. It's like the ocean is raging and waves make it hard to see, but if you dive under you are surrounded by a incomparable calm. Suddenly all the coziness above you is gone and you can once again relax and refocus as below the billowing storm, you can see clearly once again. This is the best way I can describe it. Even though things are rough right now, if I find that mental place of calm, I am always reminded in my heart that everything will be okay. God is good, all the time <3

A New Chapter

Life has been turned upside down for me as of late, or maybe it's just been turned right side up...either way, things have changed.

Being Single for the first time in almost 2 years has posed some challenges as of late. Other then a ton of getting used to it has also presented the element of guys feeling free to make passes at me, something I can honestly say I have never really had much experience with. Right now I am still dealing with a ton of emotionally issues from the breakup(which happened about a month and a half ago).

I have been far less stressed, but also am having to force myself to not fall pray to the all popular "guy hopping" that so many females I know have been pulled into. For the first time in my life I understand what they were going through. A part of me feels as if it needs a guy to be whole, as if not having a man there and supporting me emotionally makes me less of a woman. Where in the last 2 years did I lose my wholeness? When did being me stop being enough? So as I am trying to regain my sense of self I am being bombarded by another problem...guys.

Before Andrew, I never had to many guys seem interested in me, oh sure they wanted to be friends, but never more. Well during those 2 years all of my close guy friends decided that they were gonna take their own shot at dating me and now I have become a target of sorts. I love them all very much, but I need to get back on my feet. One of them has been very persistent over the last month and is about to the point where I shall have to tell him to back off.

Though, through all of this one of my guy friends has been a constant; a person for me to lean on and just be me around(to bad my rents can't stand him). So I guess all of them have not been bad as he has been my rock(other then God who def comes first as far as that is concerned! :).

Anyhow, this jumble of thoughts makes up my life atm, God, family, school, friends, and relationships. they are all coming at me from dif angles, but I am not all that stressed about it(at least not like I very well could be). So another day goes by; another page is turned and maybe one of these days I will figure it all out...maybe.

Brokenness and Healing Hearts

Me - "so I have made two self observations: That I have a obsession with the concept of love and that I like really dark stuff(movies and such)..."
Rachel - "well that makes sense in a way that both of those can coexist with you without contradicting each other"
Me - "Really?"
Rachel - "yeah, because dark things are often a symbol of brokenness and all broken things that are worth fixing (at least in your mind) can be fixed by love. see? makes perfect sense"
Me - "Wow...that does make sense"

Just another Summer day

Ahhh Summer days ^_^ *sigh* it's been so nice to be able to just enjoy the freedom of being me these last few weeks. No papers to write, no teachers to please, and do deadlines to make. :]

My days have been filled with friends, fun, and sun! Today was a very good day as I got to spend some one on one time with the sisters this morning and friend time this afternoon. Mary, Krissy, and I were able to go for a nice relaxing walk through the woods with our horses, Maggie, Easter, and Anna this morning. Since my selling Dusty I have really not been to the barn at all other then for quick visits, so this time with the horses was like heaven for me. I was once again able to follow through with that oh so familiar routine or brushing, cleaning hooves and talking with these beautiful creatures. This also allowed me to talk and spend time with my sisters on their own ground. They have been pushing for me to spend more time with them a lot as of late(something I wish to do, but alas I am not sure how to fulfill anymore) so this was a great opportunity for all of us.

The afternoon was not so relaxing but very fun. I went to the Fort Lee pool with Rachel, Tony, John, and Josh J. I think I spent a good 4+ hours in the water without taking a break. It was wonderful. We all had a lot of good convo, laughter, and dunking each other until we were sputtering for breath. After this we all went to Luca's for a very yummy pizza :] it was a very fun afternoon.

At dinner tonight Josh made an interesting observation that I am far less mature when I am in the company of the rest of our group and that they were managing to bring me down to their maturity level. This is a point that I have been told before but still one of interest. I told him that I know this and we left it at that, but reality is that that is how I want it. I have self analyzed a lot on this topic and am very confidant that the reason I enjoy spending time with that group is that they give me the chance to be a kid again, to drop all the pressure of being "grown up" or "mature" and let me just let loose and relax once in while. It's an amazing thing, to be able to joke around and have fun with friends. I think it's one of those things that has a time and a place, so it can't be all the time, but when it's in it's right place, it's quite wonderful. So, here is a thought, "what is the 'proper' maturity level?", "can it be judged by age like that?" for is not maturity based upon social and cultural norms? Yes, as a Christian you should abide by Christ's commands, but what about all of the cultural things that people complain about? When I start V.B.S. next week we shall all act like kids again, every person working there from 18-68 acts far younger then is socially acceptable so is that the key? that only when working with kids a person can act young? I have no answer for this.

Anywho, that's a side trip, all in all, the day was a very good one and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with Andrew tomorrow(if he ever calls me) and for an exciting week of V.B.S. to come ^_^

A Very Good Day

*sigh*
Today was a good day...wait...make that a GREAT day! I can't find any crazy cool things to talk about, so I will just tell you about my day.

Got to sleep till 9am this morning. Mmm how I love sleep ^_^ So after this wonderful rest I went up to RBC(Richard Bland College) for my class(btw, I love this class!). Finding out I, once again, received an A on a test did nothing to dampen my mood! Class was good, I even stayed after to talk with the teacher about one of the concepts(something I never do). On from there I joined my awesome family at home for a few minutes to get ready to go swimming(one of my all time favorite pass times ^_^) and my brother, sisters, and I drove to Rachel's home to pick her up so that she could join us. I must say that driving a car filled with these wonderful people whom I am so very comfortable with is always a joy. When we turn up the music and all sing and laugh with each other it's the things that memories are made of. Once we arrived at our destination( also known as my Aunt's house) we all dived and splashed and laughed together for hours on end. Swinging in the hammock in the shade of the large trees surrounding the pool with Rachel while reading a good book and listening to the sounds of my little siblings playing was one of the most relaxing and happy times I have had as of late. Good times with good people. After getting every one dried off and some food/ice cream in them we all went home(and dropped off Rachel). I hurriedly showered(chlorine is sooooo hard to get out of thick, long, curly hair :/ ), changed and was once again out the door and on my way to Andrew's. Now for the best part, spending a lovely evening with the man I love. Not much can beat that. And after some stressful last few days between us, it was a much needed time together. But like all good times, they come to an end way to fast. So, home I went and spent some quality time with my family to finish out the evening as we watched "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" (a movie I think every one should watch just once so that they may laugh at it's utter absurdity!).

So, now I sit here, on my bed, telling you of these goings on. Today was a very good day and I thank you for taking the time to even bother reading all of my ramblings. Summer days have been good to me this year and I look forward to many more before this Summer is over. Have a good night and I shall BYL

Words of Love

So earlier today a guy friend of mine was talking to me about this girl he used to date and can't seem to move past. He wrote this poem/song about her and I thought I would share it(with his permission, of course).




"singing to a sound long since burned out,
deciphering what this love is all about.
Trying to imagine a star crossed induction,
living with the product of my ill fated seduction.
Dangling on the edge of this infernal madness,
my heart being filled with my simmering sadness.
My options limited by my own decisions,
its piercing my heart with surgical precision...
is my heart really on fire, is this just a foolish desire?
Is this what it seems, shall I follow my dreams?
Do I take this chance, do I offer to dance,
so I sit on the side, what I need is a guide,
I want some direction...To the girl named perfection...
I don't have a concrete explanation,
only you as my shining inspiration."

Is that not one of the prettiest things you ever heard? Gotta hand it to all you Romantic guys and girls out there, you guys are awesome. I must say that words like a love poem or such have never been my strong suit. I could type hours worth of my meaningless rambling, but words from the heart are hard for me to extract. Sure, I can push past some of that ultra thick padding that lines the connection between my words and my heart if I am really tired(this is a scary thing to hear! O_o), but to just give out what I am feeling is unnaturally hard for me. So if you have any tips on how to turn off my overactive emotion filter(other then sleeplessness) then please let me know. I think this ability would be a wonderful one to have, but as things stand it is not something I posses. So, I will continue in my calculating, but non risk taking sort of way.

Father's day

So it's once again the day in which we are to honor out family patriarch.I woke up this morning to late to see my father(as he had already left for Mount Pleasant Baptist) and he and the family went to lunch this afternoon (without me, of course) so I ended up not seeing him till well into the afternoon. Here in my home we don't really celebrate this "Holiday" of sorts. Yes, we may give mom or dad a card on mother's/father's day, but nothing big. Grandparents may have a cookout, but it's more of just an excuse to have a cook out, not a cook out for the day. So what makes this holiday so important to some and not others? I was on Facebook a little while ago and kept seeing people post things like "My dad is the best", "I am blessed to have such a great dad" or "Happy father's day to all you dad's out there!", but a post by a friend of mine caught my attention. It read, "Happy father's day to all the GOOD father's out there." This struck me(not literally)as I know she has probs with her babies father and this is who the barb was meant for. So what about all those who have absent fathers? Or Father's who really don't know how to be a dad? How does this day affect them? Me and my dad have had a lot of problems over the last few months, but I still love him like crazy. So what about some one who does not love the person that should fill this role in there life? So I am sending a ginormous *hug* out to any that fit this description. Well that's my thought of the day. Until next time, byl

On a Dark Stormy Night....

Have you ever had one of those moments when everything just happens so perfectly horribly that it's terrifyingly funny? Tonight Sam, Lyn, Mary, Krissy, and I were playing flashlight tag out in the woods between my house and the cousin's homes(a very normal thing for us). It's dark, so dark you can't hardly see a hand in front of your face, the moon is strangely absent from the starry sky, lightning flashes off to the east, creating a strobe affect as we run through the to still night air. So the stage is set in motion. Lyn is it, meaning that the rest of us are scurrying for a place to hide and somehow all manage to be in the same place. At the top of the hill above my grandparent's home, we wait and listen for Lyn to come while keeping an ever present watch for the bright beam of light omitted from his hand. Because of the strangely still night air we are all a bit jumpy already, so when Krissy starts saying that she hears something across the field, we all just push it off as her being paranoid. All of the sudden, in the woods behind us we hear the sound of running feet. With a start, we all take off down the hill thinking it is Lyn. Krissy lays flat on the ground, Mary and Sam run to the bottom of the hill and I slide into the woods for cover. Dixy starts to bark and Sam laughs, thinking that she is chasing Lyn, then Lyn comes running from the OTHER direction! With a start we all tell him to shut up and turn in fear towards the sounds in the woods. Dixy is still barking, something is still running. Then we hear it, not a bark of a dog, but a fierce, harsh growl pierce the still air. With a chorus of screams we all take off in a stamped for the safety of the barn. All of this is happening so fast that we even leave poor Krissy where she lays on the ground. Her and Mary pull up the end while the rest of us lead onward in our sudden migration to the fortitude of the barn. We all rush in, bolting doors and cutting on lights as fast as we can. By this time we are all out of breath and more then a little worried, but we quickly become braver and open the door(but only when the outside light is shining brightly) and venture outside. At this point we are all laughing a bit but still a bit shook up. So we walk a little farther from the light, listening to Dixy barking in the woods. This sound pierces the air once more, this time only a few yards away! With panic in the air we all scream and turn, running for the barn and slamming the door behind us in terror. Now we are more then scared, we are utterly shaken to the bone. One of the siblings calls home and asks for dad to come up so we stand, waiting for him and listening for the sound that has been stalking us. Sam and Lyn open up one of the doors and like the cowards that we all are stick their heads out while holding a pitchfork for protection. We give up on this plan fast and sit back to wait. About 2 min later as we stand by the big sliding doors of the barn they are suddenly pounded on from the outside. As we are all terrified already we all start to scream at this intrusion of our peace. We open the door to find dad standing there, laughing at our fear. Then we tell him what has accrued and we all walk out with him and listen as Dixy chases it farther into the woods. Every few barks she lets out is followed by it's eerie howl. We all make it back home and even Dixy makes it back after a while, but it's still a night that we will not forget any time soon. And as I am sure you would expect, we shall not be playing flashlight tag again any time soon.....

The sound we heard we have identified as a bobcat(or maybe a crazy fox ;) ) here is the link for what we heard. Check it out...if you dare....

http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=3&ved=0CB4QFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.audiosparx.com%2Fsa%2Farchive%2FMammals%2FBobcats%2FBobcat-growl-01%2F137417&rct=j&q=bobcat+growl+sounds&ei=k3UITM6KFoWsNbbshbYE&usg=AFQjCNFdaoy95UaMDjDNDU7U0pwy5fc9Tg

I Love Good Quotes

"Love is a decision not an emotion or feeling, that if made from the heart will outlast anything..." ~Raul and Samantha Juarez

This is so very true and covers every kind of love. This is Agape in it's trues form. I had Andrew once tell me, "It seems like you love me unconditionally." To which I replied, "Well I do...at least so far that is how it has been" He looked shocked and asked in a voice of disbelief, "Why?! How could you love me like that?"

This is how all our love for others should be, at least it's how I love people.
I love my family like this(which is why I am still here even after all of our long arguments and such.)
I love my friends like this(though I have to be careful not to let them run me over because of this as there is a fine line between always loving and always liking or trusting.)
I love my boyfriend like this and I am a firm believer that this is how a strong relationship is formed and the only way it can survive.
I also love my God like this and this is why when people ask me things like, "How can we love a God that allows ____ or does _____" I can still feel confident in my Lord. As a friend of mine has been soul searching and really trying to understand God, I have found a new understanding of God as well. I forces me to not let things just go, but to search and learn every day.
And the hardest person to love like this is myself. I have grown over the last few years in this and it has helped me to really be sure of myself, but I am far from good at it yet. This is a continual process for me and I struggle with it daily.

So this is my thought for today as this concept really fully describes why I love people the way I do and as my love for those around me has been questioned over the last few days, I think this is a very appropriate topic.

So, how do you love others?

A Thought...

"The more you judge, the less you love". ~Honore de Balzac

After The Storm

So things are still a mess.
I know know fully what everyone thinks and feels and am still not sure how I myself feel about all of this. I agree with both sides, yes he said things in a frustrated and sarcastic manor because he was mad at them and wanted to vent his frustrations. He was saying the worst possible thing that they could think of him...and now because of his stating this it is exactly how they view him. I know he would not hurt me, I know that things just got out of hand and misunderstood. But i also understand what they are going through. They have a right to freak out. They have a right to be mad. They have a right to want to protect. But can they not see that it was not a threat? That he was not out to harm me, but trying to express frustration.
*sigh*
Life can't seem to be simple.
I am no longer allowed to use Facebook at home unless I "un-friend" him. Therefore, until my laptop is up and running again, I will not be on anymore. Hence why I am on here again, for I have no other place to vent atm.
I am no longer allowed to have him the the car with me(as the car's belong to my dad), can't go over to John's if he is to be there, and don't even bring up ever going to his house.
So, pretty much my life sucks atm.
The beach trip that we planned for tomorrow is still to happen, but with out me. This hurts more then anything atm for I had been really looking forward to this trip. The idea of spending a day in the sun and sand with some of my best friends was the most wonderful thing I could think of doing.

To help keep my mind off of things I have had the 8 puppies back at my home again. They are growing every day and just get cuter ^_^ They started wagging their tails when they see us now and even wrestling. It's so sweet. They are also teething so we have to watch out if we want to keep all of our fingers ;)

Tonight I am spending time with the boy friend and am looking forward to being with him for a few hours, though I am still not sure what he will say about all of this. He would see things like my father does. We shall see what his mood is tonight. If he is not to upset already then we may talk about it.

The storm is over. As I try to cope with things as the storm moves past I am now faced with the wreckage and destruction in my life. It's is gonna get better, but things will not be the same...

The Coldest Heart

"A couple of years and I'm a silhouette/My halo is broken now and I'm all that's left/I hate to disappoint but it's the way things went/I was blind to the things I did/And deaf to what was said/Tie up these loose ends/These voices are calling me out/I've got the solution/You can feed me to something/That is leaving this doubt/Whoa, I'm losing hope/There's a hole in my heart/That's been cut out of stone/Whoa, cold comes cold goes/Could you fill this hole?/Cause I can't do it alone/A couple of tears and I'm a broken mess/The sadness has taken me far too deep in regret/So sing me a song about something good/My heart's on the threshing floor/And I've done every single thing I could/I use to believe in/Some kind of feeling/That could change everything I thought I knew/But that door is closed and/My heart feels like it's frozen/If you hear me I can feel you/Whoa, I'm losing hope/There's a hole in my heart/That's been cut out of stone/Whoa, cold comes cold goes/Could you fill this hole?/Cause I can't do it alone/The coldest heart can be brought to life/When it's thrown into the fire of goodbyes....." ~The Coldest Heart by The Classic Crime

This is my life atm.
All of the sudden my "normal" days have been tossed around in a blender and I am expected to move on like it's nothing. How can someone expect me to shut off all contact with a friend like that? How can a person be a "part of the family" one day and suddenly if he sets foot here they will call the police? I can't even be friends with him online unless I want to lose all online privileges at home. I am faced with the threat of having to get my own phone plan cuz if he is seen on that of my rents they shall cut me off from theirs. If he calls the house they will prob go off at him and things just can't seem to get better.
Okay, so I know what he did and what he has been doing is wrong. I get that. I understand that. I even respect that they want to protect me and the rest of the family. But not like this. Not in such a all consuming way. I can't hardly keep up as it is and now this?
Suddenly my best friend is cut off from my life...
I can't go through this again, I can't handle losing those close to me so sudden and completely.
Last time tore me through straight to the center of my soul. I can't handle that all over again.
I know that I am older now, things will not be the same. But it's still so much like that past that I flinch every time I even think about it.
I have not been able to cry yet. I am still in shock which is surprising for when this happened a few years back I cried for days(though then they cut loose from me instead of the other way around).
This is not just a random friend, this is my "Jacob", my "Heathcliff", my "Phantom". And as much as I have known things would have to change, that the "Edward" in my life may steel me away, this is not how I wanted it to happen. I hoped he would find someone first, I hoped that I could at least be the friend he needed until he could move on. But things don't always work how we want them. We will still see each other at school and church, but it's not gonna be the same.
My mind is running in circles faster then I can keep up. I will talk to him today about all of this, but am sorta afraid of how it will go. He will be mad, he will be hurt, he will want to fix it. But it's just not that simple, nothing is that easy anymore....

A day in the life of a Superhero

Wow... like I have not been on here for over a year, but was sitting at work (about to die of boredom) and all the sudden thought, "wow! I have not been on blog spot in forever!"(over a year to be more precise). So, here I am, back from my long lasting vacation from posting(not that I was ever so good about posting before ;).

I have come to the conclusion that I never want to grow up, I want Peter Pan to come and take me off to never land with him. Sure I want to move out, get married, have kids, and all of that other wonderful stuff...but it's just coming at me to fast to process. Here I am, in my second year of college, only a few short months from having been with Andrew for a full 2 years, and am going to be 20 a few months after that! It's all just to fast. My friends are getting married and having babies and here I am still thinking like I was 14 yesterday and to an extent I sorta am... I spend a lot of time with people younger then me and with those whom think like some one much younger then they happen to be which always leaves me feeling like I should skip through a field and hug every person I see.

I have been having a lot of memories flash trough this tired mind of mine lately. A lot of what was and what could have been thoughts. I love my life now and all of those I share it with, but the old days were good...but a different type of good. Back when the three of us would stay up all night and laugh until we could no longer breath, when we talked about first kisses and who was crushing on who. When guys were a mystery that we were unsure of how to handle. To steal the words of Skillet, "Remember when we would stay up late and we'd talk all night in the dark room lit by the TV light? through all the hard times in my life, those nights kept me alive"... so to all you girls out there that think your friends are boring or bothersome or you just want to grow up now...don't let those moments slip away. Those nights will be some of the best of your life and as much as I love who I am now, I wish I could go back in time and Cherish those times like I should have.(wow this whole paragraph is so random...)

So, you are prob thinking, "well Sara that's all nice and emotional and stuff but that does that have to do with being a superhero?" well I am here to tell you that it has nothing to do with that at all! But this does, I once had a friend refer to me as a superhero cuz I was always rushing around and trying to fix everything for everyone.And as much as I try to keep up I never really seem to be all caught up. I have almost completely given up on this hobbies of mine until the other day. Then everyone decided to come at once and overload my brain :P I was sitting outside my house last night and realized something about myself, I have a problem. yep, that's it. I, Sara Abigail McMillen, attract guys.So, you are sitting there thinking to yourself, "Attract guys? how is that a problem? Is not that what girls want?" Well here is the issues, I don't just attract any guys, I attract clingy, problematic, "I wanna marry you tomorrow" sorta guys. We had a cookout for old Youth Group people from "back in the day" last night and I am standing by a swing with my four guys. One is my boyfriend, one wants to be my boyfriend, one hugs me every second he can, and one makes regular comments about "stealing me away" or "us being great together." How is one to act around such a group of young men? And how do I get rid of them without killing the wonderful friendships we have? I want brothers, not husbands right now. There will be time for that later, but for now I need something other then what they want.

Wow so I got off topic again! Haha oh well. So I am being called on by all of "my guys" to hang out or talk about something at the same time and I thought my head was gonna explode! So I sat in my living room(surrounded by these young men) thinking to myself, "I am not superwoman. I can't split myself into a bunch of Sara's and take care of all of them. So to all you you girls out there, I am calling on you to take care of my guys! I need some other superwomen to step up to the plate. I can tell you now that it's not an easy task(as they are all a bit odd in their own ways) but they are all good men who need a good women to take the place that I have managed to somehow achieve. So keep your eyes out, if you see a women fitting this much need position as caregiver, please give me a call ;) (just leave Andrew alone, I can take care of that one! :D )

So, that is about all I can think to rant about atm....wait! I have yet to tell you about work, or college, or my puppies, or even my drama about a beach trip this week! Oh well, another day will have to suffice. Until that day, this is Sara, signing out <3